Greiveing

My Grandma died last week. She had been sick for a long time but it was still a shock when the doctors told us that she only had a two days left to live. We didn't tell the kids that she was dying because the next day was my little brother's 10th birthday party and we didn't want to ruin it for him. When we went to see her that day I was a mess. I walked into the room with the kids and lost it. Tears, snot, hiccups, sobs the whole works. She was sedated so we just told the boys that the doctors gave her medicine to make her sleepy. They wanted to know what was wrong and I tearfully told them that I was just sad that she was still sick.

I went to see her every day after that. We (my mom, my auntie and I) would sit there and talk to her. Tell stories about when she was well or just sit in silence. The night before she died I gave her a kiss on the forehead, told her I loved her and was gonna bring the boys by to see her. She was still sedated but when I talked to her she moved her head and her shoulders, so I know she heard me.

The next morning I told the boys the truth about what was going on. I wasn't sure how they would take it since they were so young. They took it hard. They were crying saying that it wasn't fair that she would die. They thought God was being mean and were very angry with him. I explained to them that God decided that it was time for her to come home to heaven. They had seen her plenty of times while she was sick and they knew how much she was suffering. I explained that she wouldn't be sick anymore. And I told them about the wonderful party that was going to be waiting for her when she got there. They were still upset but they they understood.

She died that morning. When we were walking past the nurses' station to go into her room, they stopped us and told us that she had passed a few minutes before. They boys started crying. I did my best to comfort them, but how do you comfort a child that is trying to grieve?

I didn't cry though when she died. I didn't cry in the days after also. It felt like I was trying to grieve but it wouldn't come. Then I would feel guilty that I wasn't grieving. I thought maybe it just hadn't hit me yet. Maybe when we actually buried her the tears and grief would come. They didn't.

Sitting there looking at her casket, I felt God speak to me. He said "How dare you be sad when she is at peace with Me? She had suffered for so long that we had started saying that we just wanted her to be at peace. If she could be at peace here, healthy, with us, then great, we'd take that. But if she couldn't be at peace here, than we were okay with her being at peace in Heaven.

I had gotten another word from God, when she was in the hospital. God said "know that your prayers are being most wonderfully answered in a way that may seem painful, but is the only way."

I still get sad sometimes. Like when a memory of her and I pops into my head, or when I think that now I don't have a grandma anymore. Or when I think about not being able to pop in and see her when I am in the town that she lived in.


But most of all I am happy for her. She is finally at peace.